The start of July was a turning point for me..
exactly on the 1st of July, i was down with a high fever..
39.1 degree celcius..
things were not turning for the better..
it worsened on monday, on the 4th of july..
39.5 degrees celcius..
woke up having pain when i opened my eyes..
certain angles give strains to my eyes...
went to a doc which sorta burnt a hole in my pocket..
didnt know situation was that serious that i had to go for a blood test..
doc wanted to find out if i had dengue...
which well, kinda brought a shock to me...
dengue, takes up to 2 wks to recover fully,
or if it's fatal.....can lead to death...
today, 5th of july...
noticed more spots growing on my tongue...
really worried if it's scarlet fever...
went to see my family doc...
thank gdness it's not..
but, it's infection...
$ spent again...
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all in all,
these 5 days...many thoughts have ran thru my mind...
seriously, it's scary to be ill....
i mean, seriously ill....
this is the first time i've been so ill,
be on mc for so many days....
ofcourse, one issue is definitely gonna be money..
money's gonna be drained easily for medical costs....
another thing is, when you're seriously ill...
you really think for the worse...
i mean...worst..
tmr, the report will be out..
ofcourse, im hoping for it to be negative...
but the initial feeling of either im dwn with dengue or scarlet,
is crazy...
well, becos both can be fatal....
& ofcourse...i'm not ready to go just yet...
im just....22....
i'm not even halfway there...
there were so many thoughts...
& ofcourse, my 1st thought were full of you, you & you....
if i were to leave,
our dreams can't be fulfilled..
i've yet to become your lawfully wedded wife;
i've yet to live tgt with you under the same roof;
we've yet to have our own children;
we've yet been to places we wanna travel tgt...
& if were to go...
how would things be like for you already?
thinking about all these, already made my heart gnawed in pain.
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we tend to feel that one is exaggerating when such expressions are made..
but it's different when you're the one going through the experience yourself...
it's really what they said...
it is when you're on the brink of death/having a serious illness,
that you'll think for the worse and wonder what you're gng to do with the rest of your life..
he says, i always think too much..
which i agree myself...
but everything abt me now, is just you, you, and you..
unconsciously or not, you're already the priority in my life..
the thought of all these are craziness..
& it just makes my tears flow more..
then i go on thinking abt how ppl arnd me would be like if im gone..
would there be lots of tears?
will they be coping differently for the fact that im gone?
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one of the nights, i dreamt that i was strangled to death by someone..
not the usual strangling from the front, but the hands was on the back of the neck...
bt still, was struggling n i woke up tearing...
yesterday, the doc said i was dehydrated,
and that he could have sent to me to the hospital for a drip...
was taken aback cos that was the last place i want to go to...
ofcourse, the expenses again, are crazy enough to wear everyone down...
just feel very problematic these days...
with health issues....
when one loses health, one really loses everything..
was a sentence that came to my mind after all the thoughts...
you lose $, your loved ones, your life...
this experience really dawned upon me...
the fragility of life...
when a virus/illness strucks you,
it's so sudden, no one expects it...
how serious it is, no one knows...
& ppl always say, to live life the fullest...
how are we really doing it?
